My Little Sunbeams

The warm loving hand

Of the divinity, Himself

Comes the love-born heavenly rays

The outward touch of truth

 

Drives away the dark shadows

Harnessing the sun’s energy

The more they’re condensed

The deeper they burn

 

They’re happiness

Striking on my lonely heart

Healing reflections

With redoubled brightness

 

I am grateful, my little sunbeams

Every moment of existence is a grace

Unbounded radiance of smiles

Is shining in my face again

 

A Lonely Hunter, Called Heart

“The average person tells 4 lies a day or 1,460 lies a year, a total of 87,600 by the age of 60. And the most common lie is, “I’m fine.”

“I’m fine,” and, “Everything’s okay,” top the list of the greatest lies humans often say. You may argue, and include, “I love you,” as one of those lies too. This is used sometimes for whatever purpose, other than itself, which is simply, love. But I won’t be discussing anything about that, well, not in this post. For me, love is truth. It’s not something you just say, then realized you didn’t mean it, or you do, but conditionally like, “It depends.” I still believe, I’ll forever be a defender of love, of unconditional love. Not a good thing sometimes, because I know, believing strongly, and loving deeply will make someone open or susceptible to all the pain and heartaches that come with the emotion and the relationship. This reminds me of a friend’s Twitter Bio: “I think you are wrong to want a heart. It makes most people unhappy.” Ugh, I wouldn’t want to discuss about relationships now, so let’s just go back to what I intended… “I’m fine.” Yes you, and me, once, twice, or often, wholeheartedly, we said these words, without batting an eyelash. Sometimes, not because we’re so used lying, or we are just consistent liars, more so, that whoever’s asking stops, shuts up, and just leaves us alone. Women, I agree, being the guiltiest gender, in this case. We habitually just say we’re fine, to avoid further query to what we really feel within. Or if you’ll insist to know what’s really on our minds, you must be ready and equipped with long hours of listening, as we pour endless stories of frustrations, fear, excitement, dreams, wants, fashion, music and tips on beauty and losing weight, etc. and etc. Hey! We’re women we have the ‘gift’ of verbalizing our emotions and thoughts in thousandths and even millionths words. Like what Lady Gaga beautifully said, “We’re born this way.”

Honesty… It is truly, a lonely word. “I’m fine. Really. Aren’t I always?”

 

Trapped…

I’m in a cage

I don’ know what it’s made of

I feel it

It’s all around me

It forbids me to move freely

It separates me from wisdom

It strangles my thoughts

I am robbed

But I don’t know what’s taken

I’m in a place

But I don’t know where I’m heading

I can’t stay

But I can’t go

I’m trapped

But no one sees it

Not even me…

 

You wouldn’t want hearing these words in reply when you ask someone, “How’s it going?” Hell no! Surely, anyone would just prefer and stick with the safest answer, “I’m fine.”

“Be like the sun for grace and mercy. Be like the night to cover others’ faults. Be like running water for generosity. Be like death for rage and anger. Be like the Earth for modesty. Appear as you are. Be as you appear.” ― Rumi

Sadness and darkness are cousins, so they say. I would never want to be in their “family” ever, haha. But as I always remind myself, it is okay to be sad. I’m not sure if having a positive approach to every sad event that comes my way, is considered dishonesty. I just would like to think it is an escape or a diversion. You know it is very hurtful, will crush you to pieces, so why hugely prick on the wound and make it openly bleed? Though, sometimes, I know there are certain things I cannot change, I am powerless when a decision is final, or someone, had already made up their mind and chose the other path. It’s beyond my control. I am only responsible with what I feel. I have no power over somebody else’s feelings. Very hard to accept, but sometimes, it’s the only thing you’re allowed to do, to accept what is true.

“The human capacity for burden is like a bamboo – far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance.” ― Jodi Picoult

I am a bamboo… Resilient. Yes, commonly known as, stubborn! I don’t easily give up, on love, people, life situations, and whatever. A positive trait? Maybe. You may call it whatever you like to call it. It’s my life. Nobody can save me, but myself. My life, is my life. I would have to stare it down, somehow, and make it work for me. No ifs, and buts. My stubbornness and persistence may hurt me most of the time, but often than not, “I AM FINE.”

 

Whimsy-Dizzy Rumblings

“Bang you like a drum… This simply means, I love you!” I’ve found these sweet words written on a chair in the waiting area of the supermarket, last Sunday. I am convinced a kid wrote it because of the handwriting and the funny, red crayon used to write it. I am a hopeless romantic. I smile every time the words cross my mind. It’s sweet! Whoever wrote it must be having some intense feelings he or she can’t express directly to “the one.” Haha secret love, or must have been sweet thoughts waiting to burst out. Young love is the sweetest! Though, no matter what age we’re at, who doesn’t want to be banged like a drum, and simply be loved? Haha! Cutie, though I would always choose knowing surely, than assuming. So, to whoever had written this, go and let your feelings be known. She or he, might just be waiting for this chance, and would definitely want to bang you like a drum as well.

How do you want your coffee? I always ask this to new acquaintance or ok, to be honest, to people I’m interested to have a relationship with. May be friendship or to whatever it may lead to. “Tell me how you make your coffee, and I’ll tell you, who you are.” I love tasting someone else’s coffee. From having a sip, I’ll know if we’ll have a chance to bring the friendship to a wider range. Weird? Maybe. But I like sharing  a cup of coffee. I find it so sweet, two souls drinking coffee in just one cup. I will not write here how I like my coffee, haha! I won’t reveal that. If you love coffee, and the aroma doesn’t bother you much, maybe we can be good friends.

Last Friday, I had a chance to watch some parts of Mr. Obama’s acceptance speech in the DNC nomination. If he was a good speaker before, I can see he’d gotten better. He is a very inspiring speaker. With that said, I still feel that it’s an understatement. Please don’t get me wrong I’m not saying anything about how he is, as president of the United States, or his achievements in office, I’m not in any position to discuss that. I am an outsider, it’s actually none of my business. Although more than half of my family, are now citizens of the United States. I’m just saying, how great a speaker Mr. Obama had been. It’s quite a long time since I’ve watched and listened to a speaker that inspired me, and really convinced me to believe that each word he’s saying, is the truth. I even felt jealous, I truly wished we have someone like him here, in the Philippines. To keep us inspired beyond the economic strains, higher gas prices, natural and man-made calamities, and the unending cases of corruption in the government. I’m not saying everything is worst here, I’m just having some wishful-thinking. It will feel better if we have our own “Obama-spirit.” Something or someone, who will inspire, electrify, and energize the Filipino working class.

Lately, I’ve been contemplating again, if I needed to deactivate my twitter account. This is a constant feeling I get when I don’t update tweets. A little guilt-trip, I feel like I’m ignoring my friends/twitter followers when I don’t connect with them much. Do you get the same feelings? There are days when you just want to keep it to yourself, and be quiet for a while? I get this a lot, every time I’m in deep thoughts or something’s bothering me. This afternoon, I read a lot of Zen quotes about silence, meditation, and life. I realized that every human being suffers from emptiness. It’s just a normal, regular emotion that affects a soul who is in a journey to himself. Reading and writing for me is not just something you do to verbalize your thoughts. It is my source of meditation. After making a Picture-Quote at Tumblr, or a post here, I feel a little lighter. As if much of my heart’s heaviness were lifted. Though, sometimes, I wish this account is anonymous, so I can freely write whatever’s on my mind without prejudice to some people who might find it offensive or deliberate. But no worries, I have no intentions of “banging” other’s button haha. I would love to just continue sharing my tranquil rumblings to whoever wants to read. So, my twitter account is still active. I’ve met some wonderful people there. I’m sure they will be my friends for life. I will not just delete it, it will be heartbreaking. There are special, very sweet friends I’m keeping from Twitter. However hard to keep up a big account, I’ll do my best.

Wow! I never thought I’ll be able to write a lot in this post, but I did. Great for my 11th post, happened on the 11th day of September. Coincidence? A sweet one. This day, I remember the lessons of 9-11 attacks in the United States. Reminds me of the resilience, and true beauty of the Yankees. Hope truly rebuilt my favorite city in the world. I admire with the biggest smile, the people of New York. No one can terrorize and kill hope, faith, and the Yankee spirit. Love will rebuild it, and help it bounce back to what is beautiful, and what is goodness. I fell in love with its beauty when I first visited New York. I was there August 2001, after a month the bombings happened. I remember being teary eyed watching the CNN coverage of the tower, collapsing, chaos all over. Saddest day. Hatred in any form kills without mercy, but love resurrects, rebuilds, making each of us stronger. We must always be vigilant, and pray that it’ll never happen again.

“Those who attempt to conquer hatred by hatred are like warriors who take weapons to overcome others who bear arms. This does not end hatred, but gives it room to grow. But, ancient wisdom has advocated a different timeless strategy to overcome hatred. This eternal wisdom is to meet hatred with non-hatred. The method of trying to conquer hatred through hatred never succeeds in overcoming hatred. But, the method of overcoming hatred through non-hatred is eternally effective. That is why that method is described as eternal wisdom.” ―Siddhārtha Gautama

 

Phantasm Plus 1

A block of heavy rock is pounding me in the chest. My eyes are shedding too much, feels like the sockets want to fall out of my face. I have never been ashamed of my tears… Sadness comes in great waves. I am weeping. I needed comfort. I’m so tired of being strong. I wanted to be foolish. Frightened for once! Just for a while. For a day… An hour. No mask can hide it any longer. I am miserable. I am a prism through which sadness is divided into its infinite spectrum. Sorrow is deeply pumping my heart. I can’t breathe! Slowly, I feel I’m dying. I’m just waiting to see my soul getting out of my body, and then… I woke up. I was having a nightmare! I wondered why the alarm clock is not annoyingly ringing yet. I looked at the time… Strike two, I over slept. I smiled. Funny, the splendid irony of a dream and reality, in equal measures.