A MôTH

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“They waited for the elevator. ” Most people love butterflies and hate moth,” he said. 

“But moths are more interesting – more engaging.”

“They’re destructive.” “Some are, a lot are, but they live in all kinds of ways. Just like we do.” Silence for one floor. 

“There’s a moth, more than one in fact, that lives only on tears,” he offered.

“That’s all they eat or drink.” “What kind of tears? Whose tears?”

“The tears of large land mammals, about our size. The old definition of moth was, ‘anything that gradually, silently eats, consumes, or wages any other thing.’ It was a verb for destruction too. . . .”

Thomas Harris, The Silence of the Lambs

One of my most favorite movies of Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster, but honestly, I understood and loved the movie more after reading the book. Yes, the egg went first before the chicken, so to speak. I always remember this exchange of dialogues every time I see a moth. Last night, I kept pressuring myself to write something, a verse, a mini poem, any. I get this feeling when I overthink, I will feel so alone and numb after, and then I’ll resurrect myself by creating something, may it be poetry, a sketch, a sandwich, a banana floating in chocolate syrup haha, or just anything I can get my hands into. I was feeling this way last night, and didn’t want the added calories before sleeping, so I just opened the window in my bedroom and tried to look at the sky and see if there are stars, luckily there are, and it made me smile. After a while, needed to close the window, and there, I saw a moth trying to get in from the tiny space left before the window is totally closed. I didn’t want to kill it, or hurt its tiny wings, so I blew some air for it to fly away, and it did, back to the darkness of the night where it came from. I am melodramatic as always, so I whispered, “You’re free tiny angel of the light, go and find another moth to make you smile,” I knocked out in bed after that encounter with the moth, and this morning while trying to make myself laugh by making different annoying facial expressions in the mirror haha, I always do that every so often, yes “every” meaning, most of the time when I see a mirror anywhere, my mind by itself kept on visualizing the tiny moth and its wings. It’s actually a light brown colored moth, but I saw some sparkles of pink, silver, and orange in its wings. I might be hallucinating last night because I was soooo tired and sleepy, but still, I believe what I saw.

I created this blog WriggledTongue, 2 years ago originally just so I’ll have a space to write anything that I wanted to express on a daily basis, but because of life’s chores and distractions, and my laziness, I’d just posted few blogs and some poetry. I don’t really write thinking it’s for a certain audience or readers, or to get as many likes as possible, nah. I’ve been here taking my share of the social media spectacles, meaning, Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, and this one at WordPress, just for self expression, so my soul can breathe, and sincerely out of curiosity. I always feel better after writing something. Whatever or wherever the status of my emotions is. May it be happy, sad, dreamy, tired, excited, etc. All emotions, welcomed. This is my first post for this year, I stopped posting April, last year. I’ve seen my writings to be sooooo negative and sad, so I decided to retreat from writing for a while, though it became for so long haha. I can’t concentrate, too much action is happening in real life drama, and I didn’t like being always one of the major characters on it. Maybe you have an idea what I mean… Well. This year is a new year, and a beginning to something, may it be wonderful, or hell, it’ll all depend on us, we are each a major character of our own life stories. We make our own paths, so we have to choose wisely. This is what I always remind myself of. I’m not a preachy person who’ll give wisdom and will tell you to do things, or change to be better, no I won’t do that. Yes, I share my tiny bits of learnings through my tweets, but it’s just that, my tweets. On my own, I learned what I learned through making errors, mistakes that helped me to do better choices next time. Until now I’m making mistakes, because I take risks, and that’s okay. I think sometimes we are underestimating our own freewill and intelligence that we succumbed to listening to other people’s opinion and advice, which is oftentimes never good for us. So it’s a balance of intelligence and heart, I said a balance, so nothing is over the other. But cut this crap I’m saying haha, to each his own, find a solution which is best for you and through it all, laugh. That’s the only advice I can give, I’ve proven sooooo many times by laughing, I remained sane.

Now back to the moth, I’ve chosen it to represent my reflection for today. Oftentimes, I say I am a butterfly. I’ve written a poem and posted it here referring to myself as flying back to who I am, a free butterfly. Something like that. If you want to read it, it’s entitled, “Mariposa.” Now that I’m thinking deeper about it, I realized I’m not a butterfly, but a moth. First, a butterfly is diurnal, it is stronger in the day, and flies enjoying the sunbeams and morning breeze. I love the sunbeams, it gives me certain happiness bathing on the beams, but I get to think and make good decisions, and have better understanding of everything I run into, at night. So, I am nocturnal like the moth. Or humbly speaking, a late night muse. The deeper the night, the clearer my mind. Philosophically speaking, night creatures do not tumble in the dark, and neither do humans. We use our dreams, our awareness, and our deeper, inner knowing to navigate through the darkest hours of our lives. Even at the risk of losing its life, the moth is ever-vigilant in following its path of light. The boldness, the fragile vulnerability, the light is its mother, it will follow her course at all cost. This makes the moth open to distraction, vulnerable to harm, it sometimes sheds its precious life, burning itself for being too close to the heat of the light. Such stubbornness, I can relate with the moth, in equal measures. So many lessons to learn from it… And to that tiny brown moth I met last night, thank you. You reminded me a lot about myself. I would love to fly high with you, but this time, to always have a clearer runway for happy, and safe landings.

A moth can blend in to the point of invisibility. How clever. This is a metaphor for us to use our environment to our advantage, blend in when necessary, adjust and adapt when the situation requires it. Never underestimate a moth, faith is another tool it uses to move through shadowy times of uncertainty. It never questions provision. It has complete faith that all of her needs will be met each night.

You’re free tiny angel of the light, go and find another moth to make you smile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soul’s Calm Retreat

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Quiet space
In a small hidden door
The dream of rainbows

Sanctum of the soul
Greatest peril
To get what is seek

Emotion
The color of the soul
Soul piercing beauty

Unspeakable riches
Internal landscape
A sweet fable ends

Fragile
Just as a mirror
Reflects all things

A search, a journey
Till laughter overflows
I will be back

Gypsy Worn Out Shoes

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Within the expressions of being
Within the eyes of mercy
A shadow is standing
At the edge of a dream
A lost soul
My own

Do not doubt the rapture
You can’t see
You can’t hear
You can’t smell
You can’t feel
Darkness intoxicating, I

Spirits chant
Loud, louder, loudest
Deafening hallow voices
Send me anywhere
Anywhere I belong
Anywhere…

Hide
Try to get away
Faces of the very sorrowful
Or the very wise
Sucking up, everything
Everything that’s real

Blurred out maze
A map to my soul, faded
Forever sealed
Into a mask of a smile
I’m just another vagabond
Lost to love

Elusive wanderer
Walking centuries
A million miles from nowhere
The past beckons my present
Each time taking a wrong turn
To get to the right place

Hail to thee
My gypsy worn out shoes
Your sole of pain, healing
Your sole of deception, forgiveness
Your sole of pride, humility
Your sole of rejection, acceptance
Balance, beauty, and benevolence
Deserving of my journey

Wanderess, wanderess
The soul, my little wings
The heart, my only compass
Lying my way to the stars
Run, run, run
Will never stop running
Till I end up
Running back to myself

Let It Be

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Walking in the dark, and thinking of one more step than there is. Your foot falls down through the air, and there is a sickly moment of so much darkness. Ending up underneath some sheet… Never to wake up.

Are you ready… Are you ready to die at this moment? There’s only 2 valid answers, and you can only choose one. Is it, “Yes or No?” Maybe, is not an option.

Morbid you might say, crazy, even sick. I’m young, I’m healthy, so much going on in my life, and still a lot I dream to have. Why should I think of death, are you out of your mind, sicko? I thought so too… Exactly. These thoughts, been rolling on my mind since last Saturday, after seeing the destruction the super typhoon Haiyan, left in the central part of the Philippines, the Visayas. Being in Manila, in Luzon, I am among those considered lucky, so greatly blessed, being just slightly passed by, the typhoon. Haiyan was a cyclone, said to be the strongest typhoon ever landed on earth by the International Weather Bureau, considered Category 4 when it made a landfall in Tacloban City, Leyte, and to its neighboring cities, like Cebu, Samar, Ormoc, Antique and Palawan, and was just Category 1, in Manila where I was, that Friday night. It rained heavily with strong winds, but we’re so used to having bad weather, so I was just expecting floods, which is sadly becoming the “new” normal to us here, since last year. But I was wrong… There ain’t any floods in Metro Manila when I woke up Saturday morning. I thought, wow, great! Then dumbfounded when I saw what my Dad was watching on tv, seeing the destruction Haiyan brought to Tacloban City, which was badly hit, they were washed out, literally. All houses were gone, as if the island of Leyte was eaten by the sea. Too much debris all over them, and too many dead bodies under rubles and some scattered on the streets covered by newspaper or blanket. At first I thought this can’t be true, it felt like I was just watching another “apocalyptic” movie, like 2012, World War Z, comedy flick This Is The End, or the tv series, Walking Dead. It can’t be true… But sadly, it is. It was very real. They were hit by the storm surge, locals described it as like a tsunami, 5-10ft. wave from the sea enveloping the island by a fast rising sea water caused by the storm. Difference from tsunami is, there’s no earthquake that caused the water to rise up to the shore, but a surge caused by the super strong wind. In 5-10 minutes of the storm surge, everything was washed out. Lives, and dreams. Day in, and day out since then, all forms of media, local and international, centered to the disaster, relief operations, the plight of the survivors, the damages, and death… The survivors begging for help, for water, for food. Too much suffering, helplessness, hopelessness. Miserable. Logistics, power outage, slow government action, all add up to the survivors’ misery. I won’t dwell on that much, this is not the time for pointing the finger of blame to anyone. The survivors need help. We are all grateful, the world is heeding our call for help, and assured us of international relief and recovery funds. The relief operation though slow and had just begun, is enough hope. I’m sure survivors will be given the utmost care they need. Now going back to my previous question, are you ready to die? Did you answer, yes or no?

Two nights ago, a friend from UK asked me, how I’m dealing with this disaster happening to my country. He said, he feels like I’m so strong still can crack a joke or two after too much bad news happening around me. Then he asked again, am I alright? Made me think before I replied. Am I really alright? Honestly, NO. I’m not alright. Very sad actually, who wouldn’t be. This is a disaster of a great magnitude and it happened to your own country, to your own fellow Filipinos. They are suffering greatly. But we all cope to disasters in our lives in different ways. Yes, giving certain amount to the relief operation is one, participating in the relief operation is a great one too, helping spread information thru tweets is another, asking your friends and relatives all over the world for donation is great too. And writing a post in your WordPress account, like this may help to the healing process. My friend’s question would not stop banging my head with sooooo many thoughts and scenarios. I finally replied and told him what I really feel about all these sad circumstances around me.

I have crazy thoughts, if you’ve known me personally, or at least read some of my writings, haha you know me. My imagination is kinda weird most of the time. And I’ve thought a lot lately…. Here comes the “what ifs.” What if, the super typhoon Haiyan, landed in Metro Manila, instead of Leyte? What if, I was directly hit by the storm surge? That’s a weird thought, because you might say this is a metropolitan city, not a shoreline or something like that, but you must remember that we are near Manila Bay, Roxas Blvd. where the US Embassy is also located. It is actually named, Luneta near break-water. It’s remote that we’ll have storm surge, but NOT impossible. How will it be for me? So in short, my mind played around all the aspects of how I’ll greatly suffer being a victim of a super typhoon, and or a survivor of such great extent of disaster. The 7-10 minutes struggle, holding on to dear life, then letting go to complete darkness… To death?

Anything can happen, to anyone. No one can escape death. If it’s our time to go, we go. Bye earth! Simply like that. The question is, am I ready? Or anyone, can anyone say that he’s ready to die? To leave everything behind. Then it struck me. Let me live! PLEASE! I still have a lot to do on earth, I still want to be fully alive and happy, I still haven’t met Mr. Prince Charming hahaha!

We often neglect what’s important in our lives, we tend to take for granted the simple basic things that we need, because we are blinded with the huge material possessions we acquired and still can acquire. In this often chaotic world, what we do is get, get, get… And less to never what we can, give, give, give. I remember the survivors of Tacloban City’s reply when asked what they need now? And the answer is constant: Food, Water, Medicine, Shelter and to look for missing Loved Ones. There was never a survivor who said, I worry now about my job, my promotion, my money in the bank, my stocks, payment of my car, my house, etc. etc. Nobody cares for that when you all need is to survive. We made our lives so complicated having so many wants and needs, but in reality all we need is family, food, water and shelter to survive.

Thinking about all these things I now take everything lightly…. In my nephew in Canada’s words, “Juz chill, be cool.” Haha! In my own words as I speak a lot to myself, “Let it be.” Often, we tend to be sad, or hurt because we hang on to things or people in our lives who wouldn’t want to stay. It is hurtful, hateful, being left out, being unwanted, deceived, replaced, and other negative feelings. When all we can do is let go. Why should you live in darkness, in depression or in hate because of something beyond your control? Life is short, don’t hurt yourself more. Be a great friend to YOURSELF.

It’s not death that we should fear… But regret. We only have one life, it can be taken from us abruptly. May it be by natural or man-made act, but nothing, not even a super typhoon like Haiyan/Yolanda can wash away the happy memories we spent with our loved ones. It’s within us, deep within our spirits.

You might be wondering, why for the first time, I attached a photo to my post. This is from an Instagram account of my dear friend Benjamin Hogue from Ohio. Besides the obvious fact that this guy, Mr. Hogue is sweet and cute, hahaha it’s not really the reason. This is the reason: If I’ll ask you what symbol or a sign that comforts you when you’re having difficulties in your life, or just something you need to cheer up, what would it be? For me, it is the sunbeams. I was soooooooo sad because of this disaster, killing my Kababayans (Filipinos) and damaging their land, their home, I was struggling to find something that will truly cheer me up, then while reading tweets last Wednesday I suddenly came across this picture. I immediately smiled and felt sooooo good. I’m not a Pagan, though not religious, I believe in one God. I always feel that God’s embrace is the Sun. I feel his love in the warmth of sunbeams. Sometimes we pray, attend mass celebrations, recite the rosary, etc. but let’s face it, God can’t talk to us one on one, but through our souls, through our hearts. To me, God speaks and answers thru the sunbeams. This picture comforted my heart, when I need it most. If that’s not love then what? Because I know God is love.

So…. Is anyone ready to die now? Nah. I don’t think so. As long as the sun is shining we’ll all have tremendous chances to make our lives better. A new day, to correct mistakes. A new reason to go out and try one more time.

 
***Acknowledgement to Mr. Benjamin Hogue for this picture. You may follow him @ http://www.twitter.com/BenjaminHogue and for all his amazing shots, @ http://www.instagram.com/dj_cracka_jaxxx69

 

 

Hush

Immense sweet nothingness
Cool breeze
Worry-free wind

Dreams slowly float above
Serene sensations
Depths of euphoria

Beautiful kaleidoscope unfolding
Silent solitude
Becalming the soul

Musings live in quiet thoughts
Realities only the heart believe
Screaming deep within me

Upon life
Upon love
On what has been

Tranquil whispers speak
Settling…
In quiet contemplation

Within sweet solitude the sun beams
Illuminating everything
Shining spectacles

Wind dances through my hair
Caressing my skin
A kiss whispering my lips

A perfect day it seems
Serene, sweet silence
To you, I surrender

 

Fragments… Heartful Rumblings

“Be still, sad heart! And cease repining
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining
Thy fate is the common fate of all
Into each life some rain must fall.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

When you’re feeling too worn out, tired, or hurting… Smile! The only armor of defense.

Expectation will not break your heart. It will crush it.

You have a good heart… And you think that’s enough to protect you? Mostly, it’s not.

Want to be wise? Let your heart be broken, to bits… Before years can make it wiser.

Misty, stormy night. Walking by myself. Rain falling, crumbling my heart to pieces.

Retrieving the broken remains… My heart in a coffin. Burying it in my memory, only to redeem it again.

Healing. Touching the heart, kissing the soul. Love never blames, but forgives.

No heart is unscarred… When it hurts, it’s alive.

Skeptical mind, sentimental heart. No matter how many times it falls, and stands, it survives. Only one, my own.

Be still, my heart. Keep fighting, keep loving. Behind the clouds, sunbeams shine, heal, and stay.

 

Set In Stone

Excitable

Marvelous has power over me

I am made up of layers

The past, the present, and the future

 

Born a twin

Two mortals in one soul

Desperate and bewildered

Eager and enthusiastic

 

In absolute relative realms

Mature, childish in another

I am made up of constellations

Layers of twinkling stars

 

I am lonely

Self-built walls emphasize such melancholy

I escape

Oblivion allows me to breathe

 

Naive or innocent

I, is courage

Deeper instinct is toughness

Reality shrinks and expands hope

 

Ecstasy unbelievably intoxicating

I am only responsible for my heart

Unshaken, indestructible vital organ

I am, a woman