A MôTH

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“They waited for the elevator. ” Most people love butterflies and hate moth,” he said. 

“But moths are more interesting – more engaging.”

“They’re destructive.” “Some are, a lot are, but they live in all kinds of ways. Just like we do.” Silence for one floor. 

“There’s a moth, more than one in fact, that lives only on tears,” he offered.

“That’s all they eat or drink.” “What kind of tears? Whose tears?”

“The tears of large land mammals, about our size. The old definition of moth was, ‘anything that gradually, silently eats, consumes, or wages any other thing.’ It was a verb for destruction too. . . .”

Thomas Harris, The Silence of the Lambs

One of my most favorite movies of Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster, but honestly, I understood and loved the movie more after reading the book. Yes, the egg went first before the chicken, so to speak. I always remember this exchange of dialogues every time I see a moth. Last night, I kept pressuring myself to write something, a verse, a mini poem, any. I get this feeling when I overthink, I will feel so alone and numb after, and then I’ll resurrect myself by creating something, may it be poetry, a sketch, a sandwich, a banana floating in chocolate syrup haha, or just anything I can get my hands into. I was feeling this way last night, and didn’t want the added calories before sleeping, so I just opened the window in my bedroom and tried to look at the sky and see if there are stars, luckily there are, and it made me smile. After a while, needed to close the window, and there, I saw a moth trying to get in from the tiny space left before the window is totally closed. I didn’t want to kill it, or hurt its tiny wings, so I blew some air for it to fly away, and it did, back to the darkness of the night where it came from. I am melodramatic as always, so I whispered, “You’re free tiny angel of the light, go and find another moth to make you smile,” I knocked out in bed after that encounter with the moth, and this morning while trying to make myself laugh by making different annoying facial expressions in the mirror haha, I always do that every so often, yes “every” meaning, most of the time when I see a mirror anywhere, my mind by itself kept on visualizing the tiny moth and its wings. It’s actually a light brown colored moth, but I saw some sparkles of pink, silver, and orange in its wings. I might be hallucinating last night because I was soooo tired and sleepy, but still, I believe what I saw.

I created this blog WriggledTongue, 2 years ago originally just so I’ll have a space to write anything that I wanted to express on a daily basis, but because of life’s chores and distractions, and my laziness, I’d just posted few blogs and some poetry. I don’t really write thinking it’s for a certain audience or readers, or to get as many likes as possible, nah. I’ve been here taking my share of the social media spectacles, meaning, Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, and this one at WordPress, just for self expression, so my soul can breathe, and sincerely out of curiosity. I always feel better after writing something. Whatever or wherever the status of my emotions is. May it be happy, sad, dreamy, tired, excited, etc. All emotions, welcomed. This is my first post for this year, I stopped posting April, last year. I’ve seen my writings to be sooooo negative and sad, so I decided to retreat from writing for a while, though it became for so long haha. I can’t concentrate, too much action is happening in real life drama, and I didn’t like being always one of the major characters on it. Maybe you have an idea what I mean… Well. This year is a new year, and a beginning to something, may it be wonderful, or hell, it’ll all depend on us, we are each a major character of our own life stories. We make our own paths, so we have to choose wisely. This is what I always remind myself of. I’m not a preachy person who’ll give wisdom and will tell you to do things, or change to be better, no I won’t do that. Yes, I share my tiny bits of learnings through my tweets, but it’s just that, my tweets. On my own, I learned what I learned through making errors, mistakes that helped me to do better choices next time. Until now I’m making mistakes, because I take risks, and that’s okay. I think sometimes we are underestimating our own freewill and intelligence that we succumbed to listening to other people’s opinion and advice, which is oftentimes never good for us. So it’s a balance of intelligence and heart, I said a balance, so nothing is over the other. But cut this crap I’m saying haha, to each his own, find a solution which is best for you and through it all, laugh. That’s the only advice I can give, I’ve proven sooooo many times by laughing, I remained sane.

Now back to the moth, I’ve chosen it to represent my reflection for today. Oftentimes, I say I am a butterfly. I’ve written a poem and posted it here referring to myself as flying back to who I am, a free butterfly. Something like that. If you want to read it, it’s entitled, “Mariposa.” Now that I’m thinking deeper about it, I realized I’m not a butterfly, but a moth. First, a butterfly is diurnal, it is stronger in the day, and flies enjoying the sunbeams and morning breeze. I love the sunbeams, it gives me certain happiness bathing on the beams, but I get to think and make good decisions, and have better understanding of everything I run into, at night. So, I am nocturnal like the moth. Or humbly speaking, a late night muse. The deeper the night, the clearer my mind. Philosophically speaking, night creatures do not tumble in the dark, and neither do humans. We use our dreams, our awareness, and our deeper, inner knowing to navigate through the darkest hours of our lives. Even at the risk of losing its life, the moth is ever-vigilant in following its path of light. The boldness, the fragile vulnerability, the light is its mother, it will follow her course at all cost. This makes the moth open to distraction, vulnerable to harm, it sometimes sheds its precious life, burning itself for being too close to the heat of the light. Such stubbornness, I can relate with the moth, in equal measures. So many lessons to learn from it… And to that tiny brown moth I met last night, thank you. You reminded me a lot about myself. I would love to fly high with you, but this time, to always have a clearer runway for happy, and safe landings.

A moth can blend in to the point of invisibility. How clever. This is a metaphor for us to use our environment to our advantage, blend in when necessary, adjust and adapt when the situation requires it. Never underestimate a moth, faith is another tool it uses to move through shadowy times of uncertainty. It never questions provision. It has complete faith that all of her needs will be met each night.

You’re free tiny angel of the light, go and find another moth to make you smile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Top 10 + 1 Emo-Heart Songs

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” ―Bob Marley

10. CRAZY – The Kills – http://youtu.be/JR4pz6OLxvo

09. I TRY – Macy Gray – http://youtu.be/eSknGGwTHYo

08. DESTINY – Zero 7 – http://youtu.be/vh8z-Z85tSs

07. BROKEN RECORD – Katy B – http://youtu.be/ghMQj7t-jxw

06. DYING IN THE SUN – The Cranberries – http://youtu.be/EheQf7Dbiwo

05. L. O. V. E. – Joss Stone – http://youtu.be/3lb07ZvJZaM

04. NAIL IN MY COFFIN – The Kills – http://youtu.be/dD77G38sezk

03. LITTLE BIRD – Lisa Hannigan – http://youtu.be/AZTYE7FS4ZE

02. HURT – Christina Aguilera – http://youtu.be/___l8Y21yNM

01. TIMEBOMB – P!nk – http://youtu.be/hx3NgNS6h7I

Plus 1 – I’m Through With Love – Marilyn Monroe – http://youtu.be/pi2Pxg3TUDE

 

Honestly And Gently Looking At The Mirror

Taking a running leap through the hoop, even if it is in flames…

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.” ―Stephen King

A week ago, I decided to stop writing. The mind is clogged, darkness is winning over light. I didn’t want to give in to negativity, as much as to share to anyone, the abyss floating on my horizon. So, I thought it is the only available resolution, to silence myself, and everything will be just fine. It didn’t. I realized withdrawing from writing, which I love to do, is a direct assault to my soul, it is yearning to exhale. Lately, I’ve read many scientific articles showing that when we write anything about us, our dreams, fears, joy, and even our past, the pain of the past disappears and it’s replaced with a feeling of peace. Having a release, like writing, diffuses all the day in and day out emotions that normally create stress and anxiety. It is very therapeutic. Allowing the spirit to take over, and a lot of important messages that our soul needs to hear, written down. So here I am, writing, again.

“People tend to be generous when sharing their nonsense, fear, and ignorance. And while they seem quite eager to feed you their negativity, please remember that sometimes the diet we need to be on is a spiritual and emotional one. Be cautious with what you feed your mind and soul. Fuel yourself with positivism and let that fuel propel you into positive action.”
―Steve Maraboli

I’ve veered away from listening to my favorite songs, singer-songwriters, and bands which have “angry” song selections. I noticed I keep on feeding myself with their angst, and hateful lyrics, day in and day out. Sucking what’s left of my tranquil joy and hopes. I know, you might say they’re just songs, another venue of releasing stress and anxiety. But we have to remember, the composers of these songs, are also diffusing all the day in and day out emotions that normally had created their own stress and anxiety. And if we keep on feeding our souls with this anger, we are absorbing all the negativity, and we’re not aware that we are hurting our souls as well. I will always love YouTube and music helps me to sleep, but I’m a little choosy now. Must be songs of strength, hope, and those for the soul. Lately, I also stopped reading some tweets from my timeline, though not intended for me, I’ve been reading mostly negative comments, attacks on people, etc. Yes, I understand, most of them are using Twitter to vent out their angst and anxieties. But hey, enough already! Our world and our personal situations are not in harmony, it is a reality, but do you still have to add into it, and make others miserable, as they’re already? It’s a free world, I know. And I respect that, but sorry, I have a choice. And my choice is to ignore you. Like all the other negativity sucking all our energies in this world, you’ll remain just that, a nuisance. I happily registered to Twitter 3 yrs ago, with a simple goal, to meet new friends all over the world, learn and take all the information I can get, and share a little smile to anyone who’ll have the heart for it. This is our world, and it’s our responsibility, however small we can give, to make it better.

“The most sacred place dwells within our heart, where dreams are born and secrets sleep, a mystical refuge of darkness and light, fear and conquest, adventure and discovery, challenge and transformation. Our heart speaks for our soul every moment while we are alive. Listen… As the whispering beat repeats: Be…gin, be…gin, be…gin. It’s really that simple. Just begin… Again.” ―Royce Addington

So much I’ve learned about myself these past two weeks. I can’t enumerate all of them here. Maybe just a couple… First one is funny, I can’t stay being angry and negative for a whole week haha. I tried, but so weird, I’ve been feeling the flu-like symptoms. I feel cold, chills on some moments, and when I checked my temperature, it’s normal! I’ve learned that I can’t stand being upset and hopeless for so long. As simple as that. I can’t be cynical. It’s not me. I’ve always been a dreamer, and now I know, whatever happens, I will remain to be one. Maybe that’s why I love the sunrise and the sunset; they remind me of resurrection, after a death or an ending. Sunrise is the limitless chances offered to us each day, a birth, a resurrection. We are given the privilege to change, to correct mistakes we’ve made, and to start anew. Sunset reminds me on the other hand, to be real. Accepting the reality that life is not just happiness, prosperity, understanding, and fulfillment of dreams, there are certain things in life that I need to work on… To wait for. I am very impatient. But as I grow older, I’m learning to accept that I am only responsible with what I feel and what I do; the reaction and response of other people are beyond my control. In every sunset, there is a hope for the next sunrise; we just need courage to survive the darkness of the night. This segues to my second learning, letting go. It doesn’t mean giving up, but releasing the control. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. I cannot die every minute of the day, insisting how I want things to be. If something is really meant to happen, it will be fulfilled. Maybe, in two years? Three? Four? Ten years? I am willing to wait.

Life is going to find ways to test us. At times, we may feel that life is unfair. The urge to quit during these times is the highest, but don’t give in. Whatever our dream is, if it’s important to us, then we must fight for it. Just remember that there is more than one way to make our dreams come true. If one way doesn’t work, we just need to change our strategy. Never giving up doesn’t mean we keep doing the wrong things over and over, it means being smart and figuring out the correct actions to take, and then taking them until we meet our dreams.

“If I am to be fallen into love, I will. And if as a result I will appear to be stupid, disillusioned, and of poor judgment, I will. And I would be damned if I cared what other people think. For I would rather be thought of as all of these things, than not love. If in loving, I become the naked woman on the horse, I will ride that horse with my head held high. This is my spirit. I am unbreakable.”  ―C. JoyBell C.

This, I will always believe…Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down, and build you up, so you can be all that you were intended to be. Reminds me of my two most favorite things on earth, the breaking of dawn, and the setting sun. Walk with a dreamer, walk with me. We all need to smile! I see a positive reflection on the mirror. Things are getting better, as I would want to believe. You can build walls all the way to the sky and I will find a way to fly above them… And meet you.

 

Whimsy-Dizzy Rumblings

“Bang you like a drum… This simply means, I love you!” I’ve found these sweet words written on a chair in the waiting area of the supermarket, last Sunday. I am convinced a kid wrote it because of the handwriting and the funny, red crayon used to write it. I am a hopeless romantic. I smile every time the words cross my mind. It’s sweet! Whoever wrote it must be having some intense feelings he or she can’t express directly to “the one.” Haha secret love, or must have been sweet thoughts waiting to burst out. Young love is the sweetest! Though, no matter what age we’re at, who doesn’t want to be banged like a drum, and simply be loved? Haha! Cutie, though I would always choose knowing surely, than assuming. So, to whoever had written this, go and let your feelings be known. She or he, might just be waiting for this chance, and would definitely want to bang you like a drum as well.

How do you want your coffee? I always ask this to new acquaintance or ok, to be honest, to people I’m interested to have a relationship with. May be friendship or to whatever it may lead to. “Tell me how you make your coffee, and I’ll tell you, who you are.” I love tasting someone else’s coffee. From having a sip, I’ll know if we’ll have a chance to bring the friendship to a wider range. Weird? Maybe. But I like sharing  a cup of coffee. I find it so sweet, two souls drinking coffee in just one cup. I will not write here how I like my coffee, haha! I won’t reveal that. If you love coffee, and the aroma doesn’t bother you much, maybe we can be good friends.

Last Friday, I had a chance to watch some parts of Mr. Obama’s acceptance speech in the DNC nomination. If he was a good speaker before, I can see he’d gotten better. He is a very inspiring speaker. With that said, I still feel that it’s an understatement. Please don’t get me wrong I’m not saying anything about how he is, as president of the United States, or his achievements in office, I’m not in any position to discuss that. I am an outsider, it’s actually none of my business. Although more than half of my family, are now citizens of the United States. I’m just saying, how great a speaker Mr. Obama had been. It’s quite a long time since I’ve watched and listened to a speaker that inspired me, and really convinced me to believe that each word he’s saying, is the truth. I even felt jealous, I truly wished we have someone like him here, in the Philippines. To keep us inspired beyond the economic strains, higher gas prices, natural and man-made calamities, and the unending cases of corruption in the government. I’m not saying everything is worst here, I’m just having some wishful-thinking. It will feel better if we have our own “Obama-spirit.” Something or someone, who will inspire, electrify, and energize the Filipino working class.

Lately, I’ve been contemplating again, if I needed to deactivate my twitter account. This is a constant feeling I get when I don’t update tweets. A little guilt-trip, I feel like I’m ignoring my friends/twitter followers when I don’t connect with them much. Do you get the same feelings? There are days when you just want to keep it to yourself, and be quiet for a while? I get this a lot, every time I’m in deep thoughts or something’s bothering me. This afternoon, I read a lot of Zen quotes about silence, meditation, and life. I realized that every human being suffers from emptiness. It’s just a normal, regular emotion that affects a soul who is in a journey to himself. Reading and writing for me is not just something you do to verbalize your thoughts. It is my source of meditation. After making a Picture-Quote at Tumblr, or a post here, I feel a little lighter. As if much of my heart’s heaviness were lifted. Though, sometimes, I wish this account is anonymous, so I can freely write whatever’s on my mind without prejudice to some people who might find it offensive or deliberate. But no worries, I have no intentions of “banging” other’s button haha. I would love to just continue sharing my tranquil rumblings to whoever wants to read. So, my twitter account is still active. I’ve met some wonderful people there. I’m sure they will be my friends for life. I will not just delete it, it will be heartbreaking. There are special, very sweet friends I’m keeping from Twitter. However hard to keep up a big account, I’ll do my best.

Wow! I never thought I’ll be able to write a lot in this post, but I did. Great for my 11th post, happened on the 11th day of September. Coincidence? A sweet one. This day, I remember the lessons of 9-11 attacks in the United States. Reminds me of the resilience, and true beauty of the Yankees. Hope truly rebuilt my favorite city in the world. I admire with the biggest smile, the people of New York. No one can terrorize and kill hope, faith, and the Yankee spirit. Love will rebuild it, and help it bounce back to what is beautiful, and what is goodness. I fell in love with its beauty when I first visited New York. I was there August 2001, after a month the bombings happened. I remember being teary eyed watching the CNN coverage of the tower, collapsing, chaos all over. Saddest day. Hatred in any form kills without mercy, but love resurrects, rebuilds, making each of us stronger. We must always be vigilant, and pray that it’ll never happen again.

“Those who attempt to conquer hatred by hatred are like warriors who take weapons to overcome others who bear arms. This does not end hatred, but gives it room to grow. But, ancient wisdom has advocated a different timeless strategy to overcome hatred. This eternal wisdom is to meet hatred with non-hatred. The method of trying to conquer hatred through hatred never succeeds in overcoming hatred. But, the method of overcoming hatred through non-hatred is eternally effective. That is why that method is described as eternal wisdom.” ―Siddhārtha Gautama

 

Dreaming Leaves Trail Of Color

I like the night

Why not?

Red wine through water

Altering the color of my mind

 

Irrational fancy

Of future existence

Leaps of imagination

In the dusty recesses of my vanity

 

I am a dreamer

Finding my way by moonlight

I’m dreaming the hardest

That’s when I always think of you

 

If I ask you now, would you remember what you dreamed last night? Were you able to follow the plot, or did it have one? Was it in color or in black and white? Did it concentrate to just one theme or fragments of very short previews? Questions, I often ask myself each day when I have the time to think about what I dreamed while sleeping.

There is actually two kinds of dreams: One that happened when we sleep, and the other, the one which is more under our control, our aspirations, and goals in life. In its perfect sense, if it has some.

Sleep. Dreams are successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. They mainly occur in the rapid-eye movement (REM) stage of sleep—when brain activity is high and resembles that of being awake. Oh crap! I’m not an expert on this. I’m often suffering from insomnia, so a straight 3-5 hours of sleep is great enough for me. Lately, with the help of sleeping aides like meds, warm milk w/honey, chamomile tea and lavender-scented candles, my relationship with sleep had improved a lot.

Dr. Seuss said, “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” I find this a little complicated. I’m sorry, Dr. Seuss. It might be just me, but I find it hard to sleep, not because finally reality is better than sleeping, but because I have a mind clogged with dreams. It’s filled with scenarios I truly wanted to happen. My dreams are so real to me. They are different viewpoints, recurring images, happy memories and some forgettable too, puns and lost hopes… I can’t say I’m not in love. In this case, I agree with Dr. Seuss. It’s not easy to sleep when you’re so in love, and the object of the super strong emotion is not yet with you. I wish sleep will be my best friend as soon as my reality is better than my dreams. Again, sorry Dr. Seuss, yes I’m admitting, I’m a girl of contradictions.

I agree more with Edgar Allan Poe when he said, “Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.” It’s been almost a year now that I’m using dreams for survival. Haha, don’t take that so seriously, or this post for that matter. My dreams are energizing me, they are keeping me alive, making me smile, and keeping me in love.

You may call me an escapist. But, am I the only one? Who’s not tired of the reality crap? The subdued, slow, stable everyday routines? You’re admirable if you were not. I am. But I’m surviving, because I keep on dreaming, and believing.

I can have it all. Just not all at once. I know this by heart. While waiting for my “someday,” I’ll be dreaming. It’s a great tool to use, when I’m tired of being me.

Yes, I believe you, Sir Aristotle, “Hope is a waking dream.”

 

It’s Okay To Be Sad

 

While thinking of how to start this post, these words keep on reverberating in my ears… “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” Happiness and sadness have a very real connection. How will we know happiness if we haven’t felt sadness? We’re able to distinguish the difference between the two, because we know how each felt like.

Last week, I had a call from my sister in Seattle. I hate it, when the opening statement is, “How’s your day?” Well, maybe it’ll be great if you didn’t wake me up at 5:30AM. I have trouble sleeping, so a straight  5 hrs. sleep is great enough for me. I know something’s wrong, because the sister who’s calling me, is  usually the wacky one, she always starts every call imitating voices of celebrities or some of our funny old relatives, but not this time. She’s using a monotone voice and seemed forgetting our different time zones, asking how my day went when it’s obviously just 5:30AM on my part of the world. So I broke the pleasantries, and asked bluntly, why what’s the emergency? Still injecting humor sounding like a 911 operator. In a low voice she said my aunt in Texas was found unconscious in bed, vital signs are ok, but she can’t be wakened up. As always, instead of being consoled from the shocking, sad news I’ve heard, I found myself consoling my sister, and assuring her everything will be fine. We ended the call, with her, promising that she’ll call me right away if there’ll be any changes. We hang up, but before we did, I made sure she’s okay and however difficult, I still injected some humour to the situation just to make her smile a little.

That day, I was back to my daily chores, busy as ever. Evening of that day, we received a little good news, my aunt moved her eyes, then finally uttered some short phrases. It was her second stroke, doctors found 2 more blockage in her tiny veins in the brain. She’s very lucky that she didn’t go into brain coma, they said it was really a miracle of some sort. But… They can’t do anything about it anymore. The family is advised to just bring my aunt home, and be in a hospice care. We as Filipino-Catholics, have very strong faith. We always believe that mountains may be moved by prayers. It’s been second week now, she’s still doing okay. My siblings and other relatives are taking turns going to Texas.

You might be wondering why I’m sharing this? I am the closest to my aunt. I celebrated one of my happiest birthdays in Beaumont, Texas. A day I will never forget. We are best friends, not just aunt and niece, you know what I mean. But I was puzzled, I can’t show any emotions. I’m sure I’m very sad, I can’t be there with her now, and there is a big possibility that we’ll never see each other again. I know deep in my heart I’m crushed to pieces. It’s not easy having loved ones all over the world. I may have built-in a very strong wall all over me that even my sadness cannot penetrate my being.

At the back of my mind I still believe she’ll be okay. I have strong faith that everything will be okay, and we’ll see each other again.

We all have different approach to sadness. In my case I write  a lot. You will see them in my Tumblr posts or handwritten in my journals. Journals, plural because I have at least four all over the house.

There are two types of people in the world: those who prefer to be sad among others, and those who prefer to be sad alone. I guess I belong to the latter.

I keep reminding myself that it’s okay to be sad. Though I know this time it’s a different kind of sadness. It is with great fear of losing someone you love, and the reality that you will never see that person ever again. I should learn to accept this, only then that I can allow myself of sadness.

I am a dreamer. Finality is never the end. I believe one day, we’ll all see each other again.

I still hope for happy endings.