A Lonely Hunter, Called Heart

“The average person tells 4 lies a day or 1,460 lies a year, a total of 87,600 by the age of 60. And the most common lie is, “I’m fine.”

“I’m fine,” and, “Everything’s okay,” top the list of the greatest lies humans often say. You may argue, and include, “I love you,” as one of those lies too. This is used sometimes for whatever purpose, other than itself, which is simply, love. But I won’t be discussing anything about that, well, not in this post. For me, love is truth. It’s not something you just say, then realized you didn’t mean it, or you do, but conditionally like, “It depends.” I still believe, I’ll forever be a defender of love, of unconditional love. Not a good thing sometimes, because I know, believing strongly, and loving deeply will make someone open or susceptible to all the pain and heartaches that come with the emotion and the relationship. This reminds me of a friend’s Twitter Bio: “I think you are wrong to want a heart. It makes most people unhappy.” Ugh, I wouldn’t want to discuss about relationships now, so let’s just go back to what I intended… “I’m fine.” Yes you, and me, once, twice, or often, wholeheartedly, we said these words, without batting an eyelash. Sometimes, not because we’re so used lying, or we are just consistent liars, more so, that whoever’s asking stops, shuts up, and just leaves us alone. Women, I agree, being the guiltiest gender, in this case. We habitually just say we’re fine, to avoid further query to what we really feel within. Or if you’ll insist to know what’s really on our minds, you must be ready and equipped with long hours of listening, as we pour endless stories of frustrations, fear, excitement, dreams, wants, fashion, music and tips on beauty and losing weight, etc. and etc. Hey! We’re women we have the ‘gift’ of verbalizing our emotions and thoughts in thousandths and even millionths words. Like what Lady Gaga beautifully said, “We’re born this way.”

Honesty… It is truly, a lonely word. “I’m fine. Really. Aren’t I always?”

 

Trapped…

I’m in a cage

I don’ know what it’s made of

I feel it

It’s all around me

It forbids me to move freely

It separates me from wisdom

It strangles my thoughts

I am robbed

But I don’t know what’s taken

I’m in a place

But I don’t know where I’m heading

I can’t stay

But I can’t go

I’m trapped

But no one sees it

Not even me…

 

You wouldn’t want hearing these words in reply when you ask someone, “How’s it going?” Hell no! Surely, anyone would just prefer and stick with the safest answer, “I’m fine.”

“Be like the sun for grace and mercy. Be like the night to cover others’ faults. Be like running water for generosity. Be like death for rage and anger. Be like the Earth for modesty. Appear as you are. Be as you appear.” ― Rumi

Sadness and darkness are cousins, so they say. I would never want to be in their “family” ever, haha. But as I always remind myself, it is okay to be sad. I’m not sure if having a positive approach to every sad event that comes my way, is considered dishonesty. I just would like to think it is an escape or a diversion. You know it is very hurtful, will crush you to pieces, so why hugely prick on the wound and make it openly bleed? Though, sometimes, I know there are certain things I cannot change, I am powerless when a decision is final, or someone, had already made up their mind and chose the other path. It’s beyond my control. I am only responsible with what I feel. I have no power over somebody else’s feelings. Very hard to accept, but sometimes, it’s the only thing you’re allowed to do, to accept what is true.

“The human capacity for burden is like a bamboo – far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance.” ― Jodi Picoult

I am a bamboo… Resilient. Yes, commonly known as, stubborn! I don’t easily give up, on love, people, life situations, and whatever. A positive trait? Maybe. You may call it whatever you like to call it. It’s my life. Nobody can save me, but myself. My life, is my life. I would have to stare it down, somehow, and make it work for me. No ifs, and buts. My stubbornness and persistence may hurt me most of the time, but often than not, “I AM FINE.”

 

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