Let It Be

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Walking in the dark, and thinking of one more step than there is. Your foot falls down through the air, and there is a sickly moment of so much darkness. Ending up underneath some sheet… Never to wake up.

Are you ready… Are you ready to die at this moment? There’s only 2 valid answers, and you can only choose one. Is it, “Yes or No?” Maybe, is not an option.

Morbid you might say, crazy, even sick. I’m young, I’m healthy, so much going on in my life, and still a lot I dream to have. Why should I think of death, are you out of your mind, sicko? I thought so too… Exactly. These thoughts, been rolling on my mind since last Saturday, after seeing the destruction the super typhoon Haiyan, left in the central part of the Philippines, the Visayas. Being in Manila, in Luzon, I am among those considered lucky, so greatly blessed, being just slightly passed by, the typhoon. Haiyan was a cyclone, said to be the strongest typhoon ever landed on earth by the International Weather Bureau, considered Category 4 when it made a landfall in Tacloban City, Leyte, and to its neighboring cities, like Cebu, Samar, Ormoc, Antique and Palawan, and was just Category 1, in Manila where I was, that Friday night. It rained heavily with strong winds, but we’re so used to having bad weather, so I was just expecting floods, which is sadly becoming the “new” normal to us here, since last year. But I was wrong… There ain’t any floods in Metro Manila when I woke up Saturday morning. I thought, wow, great! Then dumbfounded when I saw what my Dad was watching on tv, seeing the destruction Haiyan brought to Tacloban City, which was badly hit, they were washed out, literally. All houses were gone, as if the island of Leyte was eaten by the sea. Too much debris all over them, and too many dead bodies under rubles and some scattered on the streets covered by newspaper or blanket. At first I thought this can’t be true, it felt like I was just watching another “apocalyptic” movie, like 2012, World War Z, comedy flick This Is The End, or the tv series, Walking Dead. It can’t be true… But sadly, it is. It was very real. They were hit by the storm surge, locals described it as like a tsunami, 5-10ft. wave from the sea enveloping the island by a fast rising sea water caused by the storm. Difference from tsunami is, there’s no earthquake that caused the water to rise up to the shore, but a surge caused by the super strong wind. In 5-10 minutes of the storm surge, everything was washed out. Lives, and dreams. Day in, and day out since then, all forms of media, local and international, centered to the disaster, relief operations, the plight of the survivors, the damages, and death… The survivors begging for help, for water, for food. Too much suffering, helplessness, hopelessness. Miserable. Logistics, power outage, slow government action, all add up to the survivors’ misery. I won’t dwell on that much, this is not the time for pointing the finger of blame to anyone. The survivors need help. We are all grateful, the world is heeding our call for help, and assured us of international relief and recovery funds. The relief operation though slow and had just begun, is enough hope. I’m sure survivors will be given the utmost care they need. Now going back to my previous question, are you ready to die? Did you answer, yes or no?

Two nights ago, a friend from UK asked me, how I’m dealing with this disaster happening to my country. He said, he feels like I’m so strong still can crack a joke or two after too much bad news happening around me. Then he asked again, am I alright? Made me think before I replied. Am I really alright? Honestly, NO. I’m not alright. Very sad actually, who wouldn’t be. This is a disaster of a great magnitude and it happened to your own country, to your own fellow Filipinos. They are suffering greatly. But we all cope to disasters in our lives in different ways. Yes, giving certain amount to the relief operation is one, participating in the relief operation is a great one too, helping spread information thru tweets is another, asking your friends and relatives all over the world for donation is great too. And writing a post in your WordPress account, like this may help to the healing process. My friend’s question would not stop banging my head with sooooo many thoughts and scenarios. I finally replied and told him what I really feel about all these sad circumstances around me.

I have crazy thoughts, if you’ve known me personally, or at least read some of my writings, haha you know me. My imagination is kinda weird most of the time. And I’ve thought a lot lately…. Here comes the “what ifs.” What if, the super typhoon Haiyan, landed in Metro Manila, instead of Leyte? What if, I was directly hit by the storm surge? That’s a weird thought, because you might say this is a metropolitan city, not a shoreline or something like that, but you must remember that we are near Manila Bay, Roxas Blvd. where the US Embassy is also located. It is actually named, Luneta near break-water. It’s remote that we’ll have storm surge, but NOT impossible. How will it be for me? So in short, my mind played around all the aspects of how I’ll greatly suffer being a victim of a super typhoon, and or a survivor of such great extent of disaster. The 7-10 minutes struggle, holding on to dear life, then letting go to complete darkness… To death?

Anything can happen, to anyone. No one can escape death. If it’s our time to go, we go. Bye earth! Simply like that. The question is, am I ready? Or anyone, can anyone say that he’s ready to die? To leave everything behind. Then it struck me. Let me live! PLEASE! I still have a lot to do on earth, I still want to be fully alive and happy, I still haven’t met Mr. Prince Charming hahaha!

We often neglect what’s important in our lives, we tend to take for granted the simple basic things that we need, because we are blinded with the huge material possessions we acquired and still can acquire. In this often chaotic world, what we do is get, get, get… And less to never what we can, give, give, give. I remember the survivors of Tacloban City’s reply when asked what they need now? And the answer is constant: Food, Water, Medicine, Shelter and to look for missing Loved Ones. There was never a survivor who said, I worry now about my job, my promotion, my money in the bank, my stocks, payment of my car, my house, etc. etc. Nobody cares for that when you all need is to survive. We made our lives so complicated having so many wants and needs, but in reality all we need is family, food, water and shelter to survive.

Thinking about all these things I now take everything lightly…. In my nephew in Canada’s words, “Juz chill, be cool.” Haha! In my own words as I speak a lot to myself, “Let it be.” Often, we tend to be sad, or hurt because we hang on to things or people in our lives who wouldn’t want to stay. It is hurtful, hateful, being left out, being unwanted, deceived, replaced, and other negative feelings. When all we can do is let go. Why should you live in darkness, in depression or in hate because of something beyond your control? Life is short, don’t hurt yourself more. Be a great friend to YOURSELF.

It’s not death that we should fear… But regret. We only have one life, it can be taken from us abruptly. May it be by natural or man-made act, but nothing, not even a super typhoon like Haiyan/Yolanda can wash away the happy memories we spent with our loved ones. It’s within us, deep within our spirits.

You might be wondering, why for the first time, I attached a photo to my post. This is from an Instagram account of my dear friend Benjamin Hogue from Ohio. Besides the obvious fact that this guy, Mr. Hogue is sweet and cute, hahaha it’s not really the reason. This is the reason: If I’ll ask you what symbol or a sign that comforts you when you’re having difficulties in your life, or just something you need to cheer up, what would it be? For me, it is the sunbeams. I was soooooooo sad because of this disaster, killing my Kababayans (Filipinos) and damaging their land, their home, I was struggling to find something that will truly cheer me up, then while reading tweets last Wednesday I suddenly came across this picture. I immediately smiled and felt sooooo good. I’m not a Pagan, though not religious, I believe in one God. I always feel that God’s embrace is the Sun. I feel his love in the warmth of sunbeams. Sometimes we pray, attend mass celebrations, recite the rosary, etc. but let’s face it, God can’t talk to us one on one, but through our souls, through our hearts. To me, God speaks and answers thru the sunbeams. This picture comforted my heart, when I need it most. If that’s not love then what? Because I know God is love.

So…. Is anyone ready to die now? Nah. I don’t think so. As long as the sun is shining we’ll all have tremendous chances to make our lives better. A new day, to correct mistakes. A new reason to go out and try one more time.

 
***Acknowledgement to Mr. Benjamin Hogue for this picture. You may follow him @ http://www.twitter.com/BenjaminHogue and for all his amazing shots, @ http://www.instagram.com/dj_cracka_jaxxx69

 

 

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Hush

Immense sweet nothingness
Cool breeze
Worry-free wind

Dreams slowly float above
Serene sensations
Depths of euphoria

Beautiful kaleidoscope unfolding
Silent solitude
Becalming the soul

Musings live in quiet thoughts
Realities only the heart believe
Screaming deep within me

Upon life
Upon love
On what has been

Tranquil whispers speak
Settling…
In quiet contemplation

Within sweet solitude the sun beams
Illuminating everything
Shining spectacles

Wind dances through my hair
Caressing my skin
A kiss whispering my lips

A perfect day it seems
Serene, sweet silence
To you, I surrender

 

Fragments… Heartful Rumblings

“Be still, sad heart! And cease repining
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining
Thy fate is the common fate of all
Into each life some rain must fall.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

When you’re feeling too worn out, tired, or hurting… Smile! The only armor of defense.

Expectation will not break your heart. It will crush it.

You have a good heart… And you think that’s enough to protect you? Mostly, it’s not.

Want to be wise? Let your heart be broken, to bits… Before years can make it wiser.

Misty, stormy night. Walking by myself. Rain falling, crumbling my heart to pieces.

Retrieving the broken remains… My heart in a coffin. Burying it in my memory, only to redeem it again.

Healing. Touching the heart, kissing the soul. Love never blames, but forgives.

No heart is unscarred… When it hurts, it’s alive.

Skeptical mind, sentimental heart. No matter how many times it falls, and stands, it survives. Only one, my own.

Be still, my heart. Keep fighting, keep loving. Behind the clouds, sunbeams shine, heal, and stay.

 

Armor

She smiled outloud
With her eyes
Her lips, her dimples

Spreads from tightly pressed mouth
To her round cheeks
Tied in perky o’er her ears

Touched by genius, by madness, by the devil
Or conspiracy of all these and more
Sunbeams coming from inside her

Try as hard and as long
As you might try, no you couldn’t
Break the spirit of her smile

 

 

Set In Stone

Excitable

Marvelous has power over me

I am made up of layers

The past, the present, and the future

 

Born a twin

Two mortals in one soul

Desperate and bewildered

Eager and enthusiastic

 

In absolute relative realms

Mature, childish in another

I am made up of constellations

Layers of twinkling stars

 

I am lonely

Self-built walls emphasize such melancholy

I escape

Oblivion allows me to breathe

 

Naive or innocent

I, is courage

Deeper instinct is toughness

Reality shrinks and expands hope

 

Ecstasy unbelievably intoxicating

I am only responsible for my heart

Unshaken, indestructible vital organ

I am, a woman

 

Fragments… Mouthful Rumblings

… hearing another soul ~ whispering to another soul ~ solitude is lost in a big crowd

… stars ~ twinkle and shine ~ without jealousy and indifference to other stars

… you have a new love ~ forgetting fate ~ you’ve just jinxed your soul mate

… who’s Mr. Dreamboy ~ mislead with a smile ~ an untrue promise ~ forgotten

… dreams ~ a geography of possibilities ~ my native land

… life’s miseries ~ either forget everything or remember nothing

… born to be wild ~ born to be free ~ nobody owns me ~ I am a willow tree

… before the first before ~ after the last after ~ there is dawn waiting

… my energy all gone blind ~ it is my mood which decides the weather

… silence echoes in every ray of the sun ~ it melts my heart into humility

… filled with ups and downs ~ there will always be “but,” “if,” & “and,” in a life

… desires grow bigger ~ still not enough ~ to meet the expectations of lost dreams

… life has turned in to a miracle ~ in wind of change ~ I am immortal

… gurus of love ~ no mantras ~ struggles of the heart ~ remain mysterious unanswered questions

… there is no wise or fools ~ existence is not pain ~ every ounce of breath ~ Love, I’ll still exhale

 

Ad astra… To the stars.

Healing feels like wind against the face when wings are flying through air… Wiping away tears, mending each wound, and every ache. Indeed the scar is a sign of healing, of moving on, of letting go. It’s where the light had entered into our beings. Forgive and forget who’ve hurt you in the past, but keep remembering, how much the pain almost took everything away from you, and how it helped you be stronger. A constant reminder… Never again. In retrospect, this is the gift of learning, the year 2012 embedded in me.

A few days before the new Chinese calendar enter our spheres… It’ll be The Year Of The Water Snake. Today is a good day to go back to writing, my heart’s haven. Here, I’m home. It’s been more than a month since my last post. Intentional on my part, I wanted to be so active on Twitter, and specifically see its effect on me. I’ve realized two things, first is what I’ve already figured out long since I started tweeting, that, Twitter is a great tool for amassing information, both factual, and society’s absurdities. Quite interesting, I’m hooked on some bizarre scandals which I followed on sports, celebrities, and politics. Other than that, they (by reading blogs/links) feed me so much material to read when I can’t sleep. But sadly, most stories are for entertainment purposes only. I tweeted a lot about animals, that part is so dear to my heart, and will do more if I get a chance. And the second realization is that, Twitter is not for me. I am a restless soul… Ok, like other Geminis, we’re constantly craving for change, for challenges, for something new. If it’ll be the same thing each day, day in and day out, you can count me out, sorry. That’s the reason why sometimes I do Twitter breaks for 3-5 days. Just to have some new perspective. No, I’m not taking it so seriously, I know it’s a tool for social networking and whatever the tweeter wants to tweet, but, there are also people like me, who prefer a one on one connection, or rather… Personal interactions. This is my goal this year, other than spending so much time with my phone, and tablet, I will go out of my way to meet people. That’s what we’re missing on Twitter, the handshake, the eye to eye contact, and the feel-good warmth of a real hug. Sometimes “social networking addicts,” fail to connect personally. So used to just typing thoughts into 140 characters, or less, that they tend to forget, the word sincerity. We’re gifted with a beautiful, amazing surroundings. It’s time to go out, smell the fresh air, listen to the chirping of birds, dreamy-marveling the moon, and of course, what I love most… Counting the stars which are perfectly scattered on the ever mesmerizing vast of a sky. We have an amazing world, I would want to enjoy it to its fullest. So, if you see me around, wandering, wave please! I want to know more of you. Who knows? We can be good friends, for life! By the way… Do you have a Viber account, or a WhatsApp on your phone? They can be a good tool to start the chit-chats… Haha! Yes, I know! We can never fully turn our back to technology. We just need to be meticulous on choosing what would really make our lives easier without sacrificing basic human connection. There’s nothing really wrong with social networking. These tools make it easier, especially for families like mine who have members all over the world. We stay connected because of these applications. And I’m so thankful for that! So… Beam me up, any time you feel like it.