Flowers For Me On The Eve Of My Birthday

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I am only one
But I am one

I am my life
And nothing else

All I hear is symphony
The orchestra of my soul

I am grounded
Quietly consistent

Alone, one
But many women are in me

Through my eyes
The universe is perceiving itself

Through my ears
The universe is listening to its harmonies

I can’t be lost
I found myself

Solitude is within myself
Joy is the feeling

Focus, risks
I dare to liberate myself

Endures, wins
The wild struggle for existence

Tranquil, silence
Truest speech possible

I buried the past, I live the present
I welcome the future

I am a mirror
Reflecting my image to my own eyes

I have cried, laughed
Blinded, now I see clearly

Cut off my head
Like a dragon, it’ll grow back double

The most beautiful soul of the universe
I honor and celebrate me

I stand up for who I am
The divine sparks in me

Who am I?
A sun with infinite sunbeams pointing in all directions

I am me
No matter what, I’m still me

Ultimately the truth…
“The square root of I is I.”

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Azul

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Heart’s pain
Tears reside in my eyes
Joy in your stare
Share with me your smile

Trust again
When the heart begs not to
Fear lingers
After all the crap has gone

Darkness is tough
Dare to be tougher
Hope heals
Dare to love again

A reason to sing
Fly me up to the stars
Keep me so close to you
Your hearbeats, only mine

Vanquish the barrier
Tear down the walls
I built around my heart
Make me believe, try

Souls dance
Hearts kiss
Spirits entwined
It is now, our time to smile

Let It Be

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Walking in the dark, and thinking of one more step than there is. Your foot falls down through the air, and there is a sickly moment of so much darkness. Ending up underneath some sheet… Never to wake up.

Are you ready… Are you ready to die at this moment? There’s only 2 valid answers, and you can only choose one. Is it, “Yes or No?” Maybe, is not an option.

Morbid you might say, crazy, even sick. I’m young, I’m healthy, so much going on in my life, and still a lot I dream to have. Why should I think of death, are you out of your mind, sicko? I thought so too… Exactly. These thoughts, been rolling on my mind since last Saturday, after seeing the destruction the super typhoon Haiyan, left in the central part of the Philippines, the Visayas. Being in Manila, in Luzon, I am among those considered lucky, so greatly blessed, being just slightly passed by, the typhoon. Haiyan was a cyclone, said to be the strongest typhoon ever landed on earth by the International Weather Bureau, considered Category 4 when it made a landfall in Tacloban City, Leyte, and to its neighboring cities, like Cebu, Samar, Ormoc, Antique and Palawan, and was just Category 1, in Manila where I was, that Friday night. It rained heavily with strong winds, but we’re so used to having bad weather, so I was just expecting floods, which is sadly becoming the “new” normal to us here, since last year. But I was wrong… There ain’t any floods in Metro Manila when I woke up Saturday morning. I thought, wow, great! Then dumbfounded when I saw what my Dad was watching on tv, seeing the destruction Haiyan brought to Tacloban City, which was badly hit, they were washed out, literally. All houses were gone, as if the island of Leyte was eaten by the sea. Too much debris all over them, and too many dead bodies under rubles and some scattered on the streets covered by newspaper or blanket. At first I thought this can’t be true, it felt like I was just watching another “apocalyptic” movie, like 2012, World War Z, comedy flick This Is The End, or the tv series, Walking Dead. It can’t be true… But sadly, it is. It was very real. They were hit by the storm surge, locals described it as like a tsunami, 5-10ft. wave from the sea enveloping the island by a fast rising sea water caused by the storm. Difference from tsunami is, there’s no earthquake that caused the water to rise up to the shore, but a surge caused by the super strong wind. In 5-10 minutes of the storm surge, everything was washed out. Lives, and dreams. Day in, and day out since then, all forms of media, local and international, centered to the disaster, relief operations, the plight of the survivors, the damages, and death… The survivors begging for help, for water, for food. Too much suffering, helplessness, hopelessness. Miserable. Logistics, power outage, slow government action, all add up to the survivors’ misery. I won’t dwell on that much, this is not the time for pointing the finger of blame to anyone. The survivors need help. We are all grateful, the world is heeding our call for help, and assured us of international relief and recovery funds. The relief operation though slow and had just begun, is enough hope. I’m sure survivors will be given the utmost care they need. Now going back to my previous question, are you ready to die? Did you answer, yes or no?

Two nights ago, a friend from UK asked me, how I’m dealing with this disaster happening to my country. He said, he feels like I’m so strong still can crack a joke or two after too much bad news happening around me. Then he asked again, am I alright? Made me think before I replied. Am I really alright? Honestly, NO. I’m not alright. Very sad actually, who wouldn’t be. This is a disaster of a great magnitude and it happened to your own country, to your own fellow Filipinos. They are suffering greatly. But we all cope to disasters in our lives in different ways. Yes, giving certain amount to the relief operation is one, participating in the relief operation is a great one too, helping spread information thru tweets is another, asking your friends and relatives all over the world for donation is great too. And writing a post in your WordPress account, like this may help to the healing process. My friend’s question would not stop banging my head with sooooo many thoughts and scenarios. I finally replied and told him what I really feel about all these sad circumstances around me.

I have crazy thoughts, if you’ve known me personally, or at least read some of my writings, haha you know me. My imagination is kinda weird most of the time. And I’ve thought a lot lately…. Here comes the “what ifs.” What if, the super typhoon Haiyan, landed in Metro Manila, instead of Leyte? What if, I was directly hit by the storm surge? That’s a weird thought, because you might say this is a metropolitan city, not a shoreline or something like that, but you must remember that we are near Manila Bay, Roxas Blvd. where the US Embassy is also located. It is actually named, Luneta near break-water. It’s remote that we’ll have storm surge, but NOT impossible. How will it be for me? So in short, my mind played around all the aspects of how I’ll greatly suffer being a victim of a super typhoon, and or a survivor of such great extent of disaster. The 7-10 minutes struggle, holding on to dear life, then letting go to complete darkness… To death?

Anything can happen, to anyone. No one can escape death. If it’s our time to go, we go. Bye earth! Simply like that. The question is, am I ready? Or anyone, can anyone say that he’s ready to die? To leave everything behind. Then it struck me. Let me live! PLEASE! I still have a lot to do on earth, I still want to be fully alive and happy, I still haven’t met Mr. Prince Charming hahaha!

We often neglect what’s important in our lives, we tend to take for granted the simple basic things that we need, because we are blinded with the huge material possessions we acquired and still can acquire. In this often chaotic world, what we do is get, get, get… And less to never what we can, give, give, give. I remember the survivors of Tacloban City’s reply when asked what they need now? And the answer is constant: Food, Water, Medicine, Shelter and to look for missing Loved Ones. There was never a survivor who said, I worry now about my job, my promotion, my money in the bank, my stocks, payment of my car, my house, etc. etc. Nobody cares for that when you all need is to survive. We made our lives so complicated having so many wants and needs, but in reality all we need is family, food, water and shelter to survive.

Thinking about all these things I now take everything lightly…. In my nephew in Canada’s words, “Juz chill, be cool.” Haha! In my own words as I speak a lot to myself, “Let it be.” Often, we tend to be sad, or hurt because we hang on to things or people in our lives who wouldn’t want to stay. It is hurtful, hateful, being left out, being unwanted, deceived, replaced, and other negative feelings. When all we can do is let go. Why should you live in darkness, in depression or in hate because of something beyond your control? Life is short, don’t hurt yourself more. Be a great friend to YOURSELF.

It’s not death that we should fear… But regret. We only have one life, it can be taken from us abruptly. May it be by natural or man-made act, but nothing, not even a super typhoon like Haiyan/Yolanda can wash away the happy memories we spent with our loved ones. It’s within us, deep within our spirits.

You might be wondering, why for the first time, I attached a photo to my post. This is from an Instagram account of my dear friend Benjamin Hogue from Ohio. Besides the obvious fact that this guy, Mr. Hogue is sweet and cute, hahaha it’s not really the reason. This is the reason: If I’ll ask you what symbol or a sign that comforts you when you’re having difficulties in your life, or just something you need to cheer up, what would it be? For me, it is the sunbeams. I was soooooooo sad because of this disaster, killing my Kababayans (Filipinos) and damaging their land, their home, I was struggling to find something that will truly cheer me up, then while reading tweets last Wednesday I suddenly came across this picture. I immediately smiled and felt sooooo good. I’m not a Pagan, though not religious, I believe in one God. I always feel that God’s embrace is the Sun. I feel his love in the warmth of sunbeams. Sometimes we pray, attend mass celebrations, recite the rosary, etc. but let’s face it, God can’t talk to us one on one, but through our souls, through our hearts. To me, God speaks and answers thru the sunbeams. This picture comforted my heart, when I need it most. If that’s not love then what? Because I know God is love.

So…. Is anyone ready to die now? Nah. I don’t think so. As long as the sun is shining we’ll all have tremendous chances to make our lives better. A new day, to correct mistakes. A new reason to go out and try one more time.

 
***Acknowledgement to Mr. Benjamin Hogue for this picture. You may follow him @ http://www.twitter.com/BenjaminHogue and for all his amazing shots, @ http://www.instagram.com/dj_cracka_jaxxx69

 

 

Fragments… Heartful Rumblings

“Be still, sad heart! And cease repining
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining
Thy fate is the common fate of all
Into each life some rain must fall.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

When you’re feeling too worn out, tired, or hurting… Smile! The only armor of defense.

Expectation will not break your heart. It will crush it.

You have a good heart… And you think that’s enough to protect you? Mostly, it’s not.

Want to be wise? Let your heart be broken, to bits… Before years can make it wiser.

Misty, stormy night. Walking by myself. Rain falling, crumbling my heart to pieces.

Retrieving the broken remains… My heart in a coffin. Burying it in my memory, only to redeem it again.

Healing. Touching the heart, kissing the soul. Love never blames, but forgives.

No heart is unscarred… When it hurts, it’s alive.

Skeptical mind, sentimental heart. No matter how many times it falls, and stands, it survives. Only one, my own.

Be still, my heart. Keep fighting, keep loving. Behind the clouds, sunbeams shine, heal, and stay.

 

My Top 10 + 1 Emo-Heart Songs

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” ―Bob Marley

10. CRAZY – The Kills – http://youtu.be/JR4pz6OLxvo

09. I TRY – Macy Gray – http://youtu.be/eSknGGwTHYo

08. DESTINY – Zero 7 – http://youtu.be/vh8z-Z85tSs

07. BROKEN RECORD – Katy B – http://youtu.be/ghMQj7t-jxw

06. DYING IN THE SUN – The Cranberries – http://youtu.be/EheQf7Dbiwo

05. L. O. V. E. – Joss Stone – http://youtu.be/3lb07ZvJZaM

04. NAIL IN MY COFFIN – The Kills – http://youtu.be/dD77G38sezk

03. LITTLE BIRD – Lisa Hannigan – http://youtu.be/AZTYE7FS4ZE

02. HURT – Christina Aguilera – http://youtu.be/___l8Y21yNM

01. TIMEBOMB – P!nk – http://youtu.be/hx3NgNS6h7I

Plus 1 – I’m Through With Love – Marilyn Monroe – http://youtu.be/pi2Pxg3TUDE

 

Between Two Evils

“Children are people, and they should have to reach to learn about things, to understand things, just as adults have to reach if they want to grow in mental stature. Life is composed of lights and shadows, and we would be untruthful, insincere, and saccharine if we tried to pretend there were no shadows. Most things are good, and they are the strongest things; but there are evil things too, and you are not doing a child a favor by trying to shield him from reality. The important thing is to teach a child that good can always triumph over evil.” ―Walt Disney Company

December 14, 2012 – Love failed… Yet, again. The impact of what happened to Newtown, Connecticut USA vibrated not only in America, but all over the world. It can happen anywhere. Particularly, in our own homes. I was so sad watching every news feed from CNN, I can’t and will never, understand such evil, such hatred, and such magnitude of love’s failure. Too much said by now about guns, the loss incomparable, the heroism of teachers, the school, the mourning… And the gunman’s life. I keep asking myself, why is this happening, over and over again? The most difficult question of all… WHY? And it seems the perpetrators of such crimes were always young people, smart young men as what the news gathered from their previous schools, and former classmates. Is it really because, it’s easier to buy ammunition these days, or is it because we failed as human beings to love each other? Sadly, compassion may have started to be a forgotten word in our vocabulary… I know, it’s just so easy to point fingers to others and start the blame-game. Enough of that. It’ll not help our society heal, in any way.

Parents, we love you, and we acknowledge your hard work. We know how hard it is for you to provide for everything the family needs. Please go home to your family when your children are still up, embrace them, tell them you love them, secure their insecurities by just being there for them. Just be there… Just be there when your children need you most.

“The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.” ―Mother Teresa

 

Honestly And Gently Looking At The Mirror

Taking a running leap through the hoop, even if it is in flames…

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.” ―Stephen King

A week ago, I decided to stop writing. The mind is clogged, darkness is winning over light. I didn’t want to give in to negativity, as much as to share to anyone, the abyss floating on my horizon. So, I thought it is the only available resolution, to silence myself, and everything will be just fine. It didn’t. I realized withdrawing from writing, which I love to do, is a direct assault to my soul, it is yearning to exhale. Lately, I’ve read many scientific articles showing that when we write anything about us, our dreams, fears, joy, and even our past, the pain of the past disappears and it’s replaced with a feeling of peace. Having a release, like writing, diffuses all the day in and day out emotions that normally create stress and anxiety. It is very therapeutic. Allowing the spirit to take over, and a lot of important messages that our soul needs to hear, written down. So here I am, writing, again.

“People tend to be generous when sharing their nonsense, fear, and ignorance. And while they seem quite eager to feed you their negativity, please remember that sometimes the diet we need to be on is a spiritual and emotional one. Be cautious with what you feed your mind and soul. Fuel yourself with positivism and let that fuel propel you into positive action.”
―Steve Maraboli

I’ve veered away from listening to my favorite songs, singer-songwriters, and bands which have “angry” song selections. I noticed I keep on feeding myself with their angst, and hateful lyrics, day in and day out. Sucking what’s left of my tranquil joy and hopes. I know, you might say they’re just songs, another venue of releasing stress and anxiety. But we have to remember, the composers of these songs, are also diffusing all the day in and day out emotions that normally had created their own stress and anxiety. And if we keep on feeding our souls with this anger, we are absorbing all the negativity, and we’re not aware that we are hurting our souls as well. I will always love YouTube and music helps me to sleep, but I’m a little choosy now. Must be songs of strength, hope, and those for the soul. Lately, I also stopped reading some tweets from my timeline, though not intended for me, I’ve been reading mostly negative comments, attacks on people, etc. Yes, I understand, most of them are using Twitter to vent out their angst and anxieties. But hey, enough already! Our world and our personal situations are not in harmony, it is a reality, but do you still have to add into it, and make others miserable, as they’re already? It’s a free world, I know. And I respect that, but sorry, I have a choice. And my choice is to ignore you. Like all the other negativity sucking all our energies in this world, you’ll remain just that, a nuisance. I happily registered to Twitter 3 yrs ago, with a simple goal, to meet new friends all over the world, learn and take all the information I can get, and share a little smile to anyone who’ll have the heart for it. This is our world, and it’s our responsibility, however small we can give, to make it better.

“The most sacred place dwells within our heart, where dreams are born and secrets sleep, a mystical refuge of darkness and light, fear and conquest, adventure and discovery, challenge and transformation. Our heart speaks for our soul every moment while we are alive. Listen… As the whispering beat repeats: Be…gin, be…gin, be…gin. It’s really that simple. Just begin… Again.” ―Royce Addington

So much I’ve learned about myself these past two weeks. I can’t enumerate all of them here. Maybe just a couple… First one is funny, I can’t stay being angry and negative for a whole week haha. I tried, but so weird, I’ve been feeling the flu-like symptoms. I feel cold, chills on some moments, and when I checked my temperature, it’s normal! I’ve learned that I can’t stand being upset and hopeless for so long. As simple as that. I can’t be cynical. It’s not me. I’ve always been a dreamer, and now I know, whatever happens, I will remain to be one. Maybe that’s why I love the sunrise and the sunset; they remind me of resurrection, after a death or an ending. Sunrise is the limitless chances offered to us each day, a birth, a resurrection. We are given the privilege to change, to correct mistakes we’ve made, and to start anew. Sunset reminds me on the other hand, to be real. Accepting the reality that life is not just happiness, prosperity, understanding, and fulfillment of dreams, there are certain things in life that I need to work on… To wait for. I am very impatient. But as I grow older, I’m learning to accept that I am only responsible with what I feel and what I do; the reaction and response of other people are beyond my control. In every sunset, there is a hope for the next sunrise; we just need courage to survive the darkness of the night. This segues to my second learning, letting go. It doesn’t mean giving up, but releasing the control. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. I cannot die every minute of the day, insisting how I want things to be. If something is really meant to happen, it will be fulfilled. Maybe, in two years? Three? Four? Ten years? I am willing to wait.

Life is going to find ways to test us. At times, we may feel that life is unfair. The urge to quit during these times is the highest, but don’t give in. Whatever our dream is, if it’s important to us, then we must fight for it. Just remember that there is more than one way to make our dreams come true. If one way doesn’t work, we just need to change our strategy. Never giving up doesn’t mean we keep doing the wrong things over and over, it means being smart and figuring out the correct actions to take, and then taking them until we meet our dreams.

“If I am to be fallen into love, I will. And if as a result I will appear to be stupid, disillusioned, and of poor judgment, I will. And I would be damned if I cared what other people think. For I would rather be thought of as all of these things, than not love. If in loving, I become the naked woman on the horse, I will ride that horse with my head held high. This is my spirit. I am unbreakable.”  ―C. JoyBell C.

This, I will always believe…Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down, and build you up, so you can be all that you were intended to be. Reminds me of my two most favorite things on earth, the breaking of dawn, and the setting sun. Walk with a dreamer, walk with me. We all need to smile! I see a positive reflection on the mirror. Things are getting better, as I would want to believe. You can build walls all the way to the sky and I will find a way to fly above them… And meet you.